Outsider Empathy

Further Exploration: Navigating Outsider Empathy

Empathy is a bridge, and sometimes the journey to reach the other side is more complex than we expect. Today, I’m exploring what it means to empathize with experiences that aren’t my own—realities lived by others that I can’t fully grasp because they don’t align with my own background, identity, or personal history. Whether it’s a man attempting to understand a woman’s or a transgender person’s life experiences, or someone from one cultural background trying to relate to another, the challenge is the same: how do we engage authentically without overstepping, stereotyping, or unintentionally overshadowing the people we want to understand?

The Delicate Balance of Curiosity and Humility

At its core, empathy isn’t about knowing what someone else goes through—it’s about acknowledging what we don’t know and remaining open to learning. It’s a delicate balance, though. Curiosity fuels empathy, yet it’s easy to misstep, to let that curiosity turn into assumptions or, worse, appropriation. I think that when we want to understand what a friend, stranger, or group of people go through, we have to be ready to remain quiet more than we speak, and to be observant more than we assume.

This journey to understand others requires us to adopt a posture of humility, of active listening. When a man wants to empathize with women, for instance, his task isn’t to jump in with “I know how that feels.” Instead, it’s about observing the nuances in everyday interactions, the specific challenges women face that are often invisible to men. It’s asking respectful questions but also accepting that some parts of the experience may never be fully accessible to him, no matter how much he tries.

Facing Vulnerability and Missteps

A major barrier in empathizing with an experience outside our own is the discomfort of inevitable missteps. When we reach out to understand another’s reality, there’s a significant chance that we’ll say something wrong or reveal our biases. This can be awkward, and if we’re sensitive to criticism, it can feel disheartening, even humiliating. But learning from these experiences—rather than shutting down or recoiling in defensiveness—is part of the journey. 

Take, for example, the experience of a cisgender person trying to understand what it’s like to be transgender. The effort to relate and connect often leads to awkward moments or questions that may unintentionally center the cisgender person’s perspective rather than respectfully illuminate the transgender person’s lived experience. The vulnerability here is recognizing these errors and not shying away from the lesson, knowing that mistakes are a part of growth. There’s a difference between wanting to learn and needing to validate your own effort; empathy asks us to set aside our own validation for the sake of truly understanding another person.

Empathy as a Practice, Not a Performance

It’s essential to remember that empathy isn’t about “getting it right” for recognition or validation; it’s about authentic connection. When we move through the world with the intent to understand others, it’s not for the purpose of proving that we are “good” or “woke.” It’s for the purpose of expanding our awareness and deepening our humanity. There’s an urge to turn empathy into a performance—to be the person who “gets it,” who is outwardly praised for their insight or understanding. But authentic empathy, I think, happens when no one is watching. It’s a personal practice, a quiet reorienting of our minds and hearts towards openness and nonjudgment.

Recognizing Limits Without Building Walls

A critical part of outsider empathy is recognizing that we may never fully understand someone else’s perspective, no matter how hard we try. Rather than discouraging us, though, I think this acknowledgment of limits can deepen our empathy. By realizing we can never fully grasp what it’s like to be a woman facing sexism, a person of color encountering systemic prejudice, or someone who is transgender navigating their identity in a binary world, we move into a space of respect. We can engage from a place of support, rather than acting as though we can somehow “fix” or change someone’s reality through our understanding.

Knowing our limits doesn’t mean building walls, though. It’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming we can never truly relate to anyone outside our own experience and retreating into our respective worlds. But true empathy transcends the boundaries of full understanding; it lives in the effort, in the willingness to learn and, most importantly, to support.

In the End, It’s About Connection

Our attempts to connect beyond our personal experiences are what make us human. When I think of what empathy really is, I see it as reaching out a hand into the unknown. It’s trying to meet someone on their ground and on their terms. It’s accepting that we might never fully grasp the intricacies of someone else’s life, yet deciding to hold space for them in our hearts.

Outsider empathy, then, is less about comprehension and more about presence. We’re not here to invade each other’s experiences or narrate someone else’s story. We’re here to witness, support, and occasionally reflect back the light of understanding in ways that deepen our collective humanity. To grow in this practice is to constantly renew our humility and curiosity, to learn from our errors, and to keep stretching our awareness—both inward and outward—in the hopes of bridging the gaps between us.